cw: domestic violence
A few years ago, I worked with a client in my DV advocacy work who experienced a serious + violent crime -- the kind that landed her in the hospital + the harm-doer in prison for more than a decade.
I remember her + the case for lots of reasons, but there was one thing that made it especially unique: there was clear + unmistakable footage of what happened. Surveillance footage captured the entire incident.
Which meant that the truth of what happened couldn’t be denied, evaded, or minimized.
For those of you who’ve experienced abuse first-hand (or just understand how it works), you get how much this matters.
Because in pretty much every case, there’s denial + gaslighting. The harm-doer usually does whatever they can to instill doubt + disconnect the victim from their knowing, memory, and sense of reality. (Which is often effective due to the nature of trauma -- I once worked with one survivor, for instance, who was shot by her harm-doer, and he had her convinced for a time that he wasn’t actually the one who shot her.)
But in this case, there was no saying “it wasn’t me” or “it wasn’t that bad” or “it was an accident”. There was no question of how it all went down.
I remember the moment, months after the incident, when we were all in court for the sentencing hearing. They played the video. I’d already seen it a couple of times, but even so, it was one of the most profound moments I've experienced in my work, ever.
We all saw it. He did. She did. His family did. The judge did.
We were all witnesses to the truth. We were seeing what actually happened.
And it was, at the same time, the deepest relief + most wrenching agony.
I remember thinking, what might be possible if there was never an escape from the truth?
It would be excruciating, no question. But just considering the depth of healing it could open took my breath away.
If there was no escaping the truth, we might actually get somewhere.
Because truth is the ultimate magic + the ultimate healer.
I remembered this as I watched Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recount her experience of the capitol riot yesterday.
She said she was sharing what happened because our stories heal + truth matters.
She also drew a parallel between the cycle of doubt survivors experience (and that she herself experienced as a survivor) and the denials + minimizations of reality we’re currently seeing from the folks who are trying to convince us that it would be better to just let this go + “move on” (so that they can evade responsibility + keep the door open to repeat these behaviors if/when they become convenient again in the future).
She rightly called this a tactic that abusers use.
As much as the truth matters, it matters even more in moments like these.
Truth is resistance, power, and healing. Especially in a culture where abusive tactics like these are common practice.
Please never stop exploring, speaking, or standing in yours.