Going Back In

What choice do we have but to keep going?

This is something I remind myself when I’m feeling frustrated by a (seemingly) impossible goal or project, slow progress, or lackluster outcomes - in my own life and/or in the collective.

When I hit a creative block, when I try something and it doesn’t work, or when I feel stuck on a project, there’s sometimes a moment when I wonder: is this the Universe finally telling me I’m a failure and it’s time to give up?

But I pull by myself back by 1) telling myself everything I know about how creativity, mastery, progress, and life work 2) asking: would quitting actually help anything? (probably not) 3) remembering that the trying itself has value.

There are times to reevaluate and change course around the details, but my intention to live a deep life means I need to keep going and always be stepping toward creativity, learning, and connection.

I think about this too in terms of our collective efforts to dismantle systems of oppression, respond to climate crisis, and build a more just society. Anyone who cares about these issues or is involved in movement work knows what it is to wrestle with despair and discouragement, to stare down impossibility and wonder where we go from here. But what would it even mean to give up on the vision?

When we’re aligned with our deepest values and moved by love, we keep going. We don’t even get to decide. We flow; we move; we engage; we connect. We find whatever hope and aliveness exist in the trying.

I’m finding more and more that living a good, deep, creative life is just a series of going’s back in, a commitment to following love to its obvious conclusion and steadfast directive:

Onward.

Cultivating Devotion over Perfection

One of my best practices for overcoming my perfectionist tendencies is to cultivate a mindset of devotion.

For me, this means remembering that creativity, at its core, is about a commitment I’m making to myself and to my process of *becoming a person who creates consistently*, no matter the outcome.

So rather than getting stuck on one small part, trying to make my creations perfect, or obsessing over merits and metrics, I remember I’m *creating a body of work*. 

And a body of work requires me to keep moving, keep trying, and keep creating – in a spirit of devotion.

This gets me in a headspace of remembering that creativity is an ongoing, unfolding practice of becoming and stepping into stretchy identities (writer, artist, coach, etc.) – so if I’m creating and moving forward, this means I’m already succeeding and meeting my goals.

So when I put something out into the world and it falls flat or when I try something new and I fail or when I feel like my creative magic has disappeared, I return to this question: what am I most devoted to?  What am I trying to create for myself at the deepest level?  These questions help me find my way back to something good and true for me.

My own commitment is to live an out-loud, alive, creative life.  What’s yours?  And how it that vision guiding your life, process, and day-to-day?

Lessons from 5 Years Meditating

I remembered this week that it’s been over 5 years since I started meditating!

Meditation was something that intrigued me long before I made it a habit, but I couldnever carve out the time or summon the patience to make it happen. Until one day, I just decided it was time. And today, meditation is one of my non-negotiable daily practices.

Meditation sounds fancy (or at least, it sounded super fancy to me before I was doing it). But it’s not. It’s simple and ordinary and grounding and frustrating. It often feels like a waste of time.

My approach to meditation has changed a lot in the past 5 years, along with my reasons for doing it, but overall, this is what it gives me: an experience of my own humanness.

That experience is sometimes transcendent, sometimes boring, sometimes painful – but it’s always real, and it’s always grounding.

Because nothing gets me in touch with my raw, empty humanity as much as sitting in silence trying to settle my energy and get grounded in my body.

Looking at it now, meditation is really just a practice of pausing, noticing, experiencing, and checking in with myself (and learning not to be afraid of what I’ll find there).

And the reason I keep doing it, the reason it’s been so worthwhile, is because it deepens my capacity to be with emptiness, discomfort, and uncertainty – and helps me see and remember the truth of about myself: that I have a body, a mind, and wild collection of emotions, that I’m immensely powerful and creative; that I’m going to die (and that’s okay), and that there’s more to the nothingness and emptiness than we think.

So I’m celebrating 5 years of devotion to this practice that works for me! And I wish everyone success in finding, maintaining, and deepening into practices that give you life, joy, and goodness.

Devotion and the New Year

One of my favorite New Year’s rituals is choosing a word of the year.

There’s more to my New Year’s reflections, imaginings, and schemings than this, but I love the practice of trying to distill the energy of the 12 months ahead into a guiding word I can return to when I’ve lost the thread.

And each year, my word becomes almost eerily prophetic and finds expression and realization in ways I didn’t expect.

In 2018, my word was expansion. This year, my word is deepening.

Last year, I threw myself into life, tried new things, chased opportunities, and changed in ways and directions I couldn’t have imagined a year ago. And there was so much goodness that came of it.

This year, I feel the pull to tend to the roots – to deepen into devotion and intention, to be really clear about what matters most, remain realistic about my capacity, and live accordingly.

It’s reminding me that sometimes, life asks us to say no to some of the goodness present or available to us in order to invest in another possibility.

And sometimes devotion means stepping away from what is perfectly okay (and maybe even wonderful) because it is incongruent with the commitments we’ve chosen or the frequencies we’re committed to cultivating and amplifying in our lives now.

This has already been hard. I don’t like to pass up opportunity or let go of goodness.

But it’s been helpful to remember that I’m limiting the width in my life to amplify the depth. I’m stepping back from growing outward so I can lean into processes of growing inward.

Paradoxically, limits can set us free, and boundaries can open up spaces of infinite possibility. 
(Or at least that’s my working hypothesis for the year).

So whatever 2019 is asking of you, I hope it opens, deepens, and catalyzes you into whatever goodness awaits.