Confronting the Lies

I think it’s important to remember that the dominant culture we live in lies to us on a regular basis – about who we are, what’s real and what matters, how we “should” live and spend our energies, what’s within the realm of possibility, etc.

And I believe we need to name and call this out because lying and manipulation are abusive tactics (whether those abusers are people, institutions, or systems). Denying reality, deflecting responsibility, and unilaterally defining the narrative are all ways of maintaining power and control over others.

There’s also lying in the form of gaslighting, which is the strategy of using lies and manipulation to destabilize another person’s sense of reality by telling them over and over again that their perception and memory are wrong (and can’t be trusted) to create a sense of separation from their embodied knowing and inner truth (often in a very direct way, like telling someone they left the oven on when it was the abuser who turned it back on – or hiding their keys and pretending to help them look).

And because we sort of expect people to tell the truth unless they have a compelling reason not to, a steady stream of lies can be super disorienting and eventually make us question our own experience, memory, and sanity.

There are nuances to the ways abuse happens on interpersonal, institutional, and systemic levels, but a common goal of these tactics, whoever/whatever employs them, is to maintain a power dynamic of control over another person through confusion, disorientation, and disconnection.

Systems of oppression do this; capitalism does this - because if we’re confused and ungrounded, we’re easier to control and more vulnerable to suggestion because we’re seeking that equilibrium and solidity wherever we can find it after being pushed off our center.

And in such a reality, getting grounded in our bodies and developing strategies of deepening into self-trust, personal power, and embodied truth are essential (and radical) practices.

Calling out lies and manipulative tactics when we see them is an essential practice.

Telling our stories and speaking our truths are essential practices.

Seeking out support, affirmation, and connection are essential practices.

Engaging in these practices of embodiment, truth-telling, and self-trust are not only essential for our own well-being; they also disrupt systems that depend on lies and other abusive tactics to maintain the status quo and create spaces in which abuse is named, challenged, and resisted.

So when we trust and love ourselves - when we tune in to our deep, embodied knowing - we create more flourishing, not only for ourselves but also for others and for the world.

The World Within

Whenever I notice I’m beginning to drift into stagnant waters of despondent malaise or veer perilously close to a swirling vortex of panicked mania (not uncommon happenings in these times of political mayhem and imperial villainy) I know it’s time to take a deep breath and reassess some things.

Because if I’ve reached the point of spiritual lostness, despairing stuckness, or existential discombobulation, I’ve likely lost sight of the vision or strayed from my reasons why.

To get back on track, I often start with this: Am I giving to myself what I want for the world?

Since I began working in DV advocacy a few years ago – and especially since the election – I’ve been thinking hard about what I’m doing here and how I’m doing it.  Basically: Am I being who I want to be in the world?  How am I participating in, responding to, and/or divesting from systems of oppression?  What am I building, creating, and supporting?

The deeper I go, the more urgent and nonnegotiable these questions feel.  And also: the more I understand how we must absolutely find ways to give ourselves what we wish for others and what we dream for the world.

It can be tempting to overlook this part for all sorts of reasons, but I’ve found that if I bypass this crucial step on my way to resisting injustice and contributing to the effort of building something better, there is a pretty good chance (speaking from experience) that I’ll get tangled up in a manic, swirling charge of unproductive shaming that becomes a fractile of the very system of oppression I want dismantled.

Can we do it?  Can we make real in ourselves what we’re striving to make real in the world?  Can we prioritize and center our own flourishing, wellness, and liberation?  I think to be okay and have any modicum of effectiveness in what we’re trying to accomplish here, we have to.

This is basic integrity: holding myself to the same standard of care I want for others and for the world.

If I want clean air, land, and water, I cannot pollute myself with self-hatred.

If I want peace for others, I cannot speak violently to myself.

If I want every voice to be heard, considered, and valued, I cannot silence my own.

If I want an equitable distribution of wealth and resources, I must give nourishment, attention, and love to all parts of me, not just those I believe are worthy of it.

If I want all people to receive the resources and care they need, I have to be real about what I need and then give it to myself.

If I want white supremacy, cisheteropatriarchy, and capitalism to end, I need to dismantle the hierarchies that live in me and silence, oppress, and kill what I cannot love and accept in my own being.

So let’s not forget to include ourselves as both active participants and worthy recipients of this beautiful thing we’re imagining and building together.  Let’s remember that we bring our dreams of liberation, justice, and possibility into being not only by what we create on the outside but by what we plant on the inside – what we cultivate in our bodies and nurture in our spirits.  So let’s do that: make our life-affirming, world-expanding visions alive, not only around and between us, but also within us.