I sometimes judge myself for past mistakes.

I think:

If only I'd known,

If only I’d made a different choice,

If only I’d been able to sit a bit longer with my feelings,

If only I had the perspective I have now.

But judging my past-self is a perfectionist fantasy that assumes there’s a pathway to a meaningful life + actualized self that doesn’t involve making mistakes + learning the hard way.

It’s a fantasy where I’m imagining that I would be better off if I had just known what I needed to know before I could possibly know it.

When I’m blaming my past-self, I’m forgetting that so much of what’s good + meaningful about being human (like learning, growing, and creating) requires me (+ all of us) to step forward, be bold, make brave (+ sometimes regrettable) decisions, *and then evaluate + learn from there*.

And when I can remember this, gratitude eclipses judgement.

Gratitude that my past-self didn’t wait to take action until she knew more, had it all figured out, or reached some non-existent state of perfection.

Gratitude that she took brave steps forward + failed spectacularly so that I could learn the lessons + integrate the wisdom.

Because if she hadn’t, I’d still be in the same place, stuck + waiting.

I owe her everything, really.

And when I hold this awareness, it’s so much easier to walk into the future, trusting myself + knowing that the mistakes I make now will support the future I'm creating + the self I'm becoming.