One the best decisions I ever made also prompted some of the deepest grief I’ve ever felt.
At the time, I'd just graduated with my master’s degree in theology and was about halfway through my PhD applications.
But I was starting to feel some doubt about the whole thing.
So I started taking walks to think + sort through the jumbled mess of anxieties, questions, and what-if's.
One day as I walked, I noticed a feeling that felt so foreign to me I didn't recognize it at first.
It was the feeling of something missing.
The incessant anxiety that usually hummed in the background had stilled, and I felt something like calm instead.
And I knew in that moment I wanted this feeling of space, relief, and liberation more than I wanted a PhD.
I knew it just barely.
But I knew.
And there was no unknowing it.
So I emailed my professors to let them know I no longer needed their letters of recommendation, and that was that.
The months that followed were filled with some of the deepest relief I’ve ever felt.
And some of the deepest grief.
Although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time.
I just knew I felt terrible.
I was sure I had thrown away everything I ever was + would be.
My whole life up to that point had been about excelling in school, and I didn’t know who I was without that.
I felt like I had no identity, vocation, or purpose.
Part of me was fine with that and knew my task going forward was to find a way to be okay just being human.
But it still really hurt, and I didn't see much of a path forward through the haze of disorientation + lostness.
I thought about death a lot during that time.
Not because I wanted to die, but because I felt like I had.
Years later, I now recognize this as grief -- a process of loss, catalytic change, and death/rebirth that shattered my sense of self + ultimately transformed some of the deepest foundations of my identity.
Which opened space for a whole world of new possibility I couldn't imagine at the time.
I share this story to say that grief often follows some of our best decisions + most identity-expanding steps forward.
Our truest + boldest choices -- the ones our souls are asking us to make + the ones that move our life forward in beautiful ways -- often stir up our stuff and catalyze big changes that feel shattering + devastating for a time.
Nothing has gone wrong when this happens.
This kind of grief is a normal + to-be-expected thing.
It's something to honor, learn from, and make room for.
So when it comes up for you (or if it's present in your life now), I hope you give it space to move and give yourself care through this part of living a big + brave life full of change + creation.