Being a human being with freedom and agency means that life gives us moments when we’re asked to decide – to go this way instead of that when it comes to what we’re doing, what we’re creating, and who we want to be in the world.
These crossroads moments are exciting and beautiful but also often frightening and anxiety-producing, as we confront the unknowns, eliminate options, and take a hard look at what really matters to us.
Important decisions – the weighty, life-trajectory-shifting kind – ask something of us, and it isn’t always easy.
So here are some of the key steps and practices I’ve found especially important in the (not always linear) process of discerning and deciding:
1. Imagine and Dream
Since decision-making is a process of narrowing and eliminating, it’s helpful to start big.
Imagination stirs up good energy, challenges our assumptions about what is true or possible for us, and opens up space.
The more we dream, envision, and connect with the frequency of our desires, the more compass points we have to guide our way forward.
2. Collect Data
This is especially important for those of us who prefer to dream in big, intuitive visions rather than deal with practical details and concrete realities.
I know I’ve had the tendency to avoid raw data when I’m facing a big decision because I want to hold on to my idealistic vision of what could be. The inconvenient details and bothersome realities force me to take my intuitive dreams back to earth.
But that’s where they have to go if I’m going to make anything with them.
So gather the data and information and stir it into the pot. Let it touch you and engage with what you find without necessarily jumping to immediate conclusions. Let it begin to speak to some of the questions: What’s available? What’s within the realm of possibility here? What are the boundaries and limits?
3. Filter Data and Set Parameters
What matters and what doesn’t? What factors are you centering vs. merely considering? And what data doesn’t really matter at all? Treating all factors and pieces of information as equally important in a decision-making process is mostly unhelpful and can quickly take us to the edge of overwhelm.
4. Be in Your Body
In my experience, good decisions are only ever made when I am grounded and centered in my body and listening to what it has to say.
Our body compass is our best discernment tool.
So in the process, ask and notice: what opens, expands, relaxes, and enlivens me? And what closes, tenses, or constricts me?
Remembering to climb back into our bodies also deepens our capacity to be with uncertainty and ambiguity. It can be easy to spin in the manic energy of I-have-to-figure-this-out, but in our bodies, we can just sit in this tension of not knowing, return to the awareness that we can bear the uncertainty, and be with ourselves through the process, no matter what happens.
5. Question the Scary Thoughts
Our decisions matter, but often, we give our decisions more power over our lives than they actually have and make all sorts of assumptions about how unequivocally wonderful our lives will be if we make the “right” decision and how horrifically bad they will be if we make the “wrong” decision.
When I was deciding something important recently, a turning point came when I realized: I have the ability to be happy no matter what I decide. I still have power and agency to create the life I want, whichever way I go.
Here are some questions for finding (and then challenging) your scary thoughts: What are you making it mean if you choose “wrongly”? Where have you set up strong either/or’s or absolute binaries in your thinking? Are you believing there’s one right (perfect, mythical) outcome? Are you asking for perfection?
Taking some time to identify and question these thoughts can release the pressure valve and open up space for flow and possibility.
6. Return to the Body
Before I make my final decision, I always check in to make sure it’s a “yes” in my body. This has never steered me wrong and has led to so much goodness I could never have predicted at the time.
So wherever you’re discerning and whatever you’re deciding, it really comes down to this: trust yourself and trust the processes you’ve entrusted to hold through the journey. The answers are inside.