Working with Fear to Create Goodness

Life has been reminding me recently that deepening my capacity to feel fear, discomfort, and uncertainty is a nonnegotiable part of living a big life.

Going after what I want, being real and vulnerable about who I am, stepping into newness, and seeking out unpredictable, raw experiences in the world often scares (and sometimes terrifies) me.

But more often than not, good stuff is waiting for me on the other side of that fear.

When I think of my first date with my spouse, getting on that plane to travel alone, starting my coaching business, or preparing for all of those high-stakes swim meets, job interviews, or exams, I can still feel the nervous butterflies and/or heavy pit of terror in my stomach, but I also remember that those feelings were all that stood between me and the beauty, goodness, and accomplishment waiting on the other side.

Deepening my capacity to feel fear helps me not run from life. And being with uncertainty and discomfort helps me stay in the moment I’m in (and not opt out by turning to escapism or avoidance).

And when I can do that, fear becomes an essential compass point – an indication I’m at the edge of my comfort and on the verge of the next new thing calling me forward.

Also: feeling fear and getting clear about what it’s communicating is a core component of discernment – because sometimes, fear is telling us it’s time to take our next step (or leap) towards a coherent desire, goal, or possibility, and sometimes, our fear is telling us we got off track and are on a path that is not right, safe, or good for us.

So how do we discern the difference? By getting clear on how each feels in our body.

I love the metaphor Martha Beck uses to talk about these two types of fear: does it feel more like you’re standing on a high dive about to jump into cool, clear water on a hot day, or more like you’re about to jump from the high dive into toxic sludge? Either way, the jump is high and frightening, but are you leaping toward something glorious, right, and clear, or not so much?

A helpful way to calibrate this compass is to return to times you felt fear. What did you feel in your body when the fear was leading you toward goodness, and what did you feel when the fear was warning you to stay away from something unhelpful or harmful? What do you notice about the differences between the two in how they show up as a feeling in your body?

Either way, fear is an important thing to feel and allow (unless we have traumas, addictions, or mental health issues that make it problematic for us to feel anxiety and fear, which is another conversation), because those feelings – as they show up in our bodies – are what give us the data we need to respond clearly and coherently to what life offers. And when we listen to our emotions and our bodies, we not only have more clarity for the path ahead, but also a deepened sense of inner knowing and self-trust.

Making Grounded, Clear Decisions

Being a human being with freedom and agency means that life gives us moments when we’re asked to decide – to go this way instead of that when it comes to what we’re doing, what we’re creating, and who we want to be in the world.

These crossroads moments are exciting and beautiful but also often frightening and anxiety-producing, as we confront the unknowns, eliminate options, and take a hard look at what really matters to us.

Important decisions – the weighty, life-trajectory-shifting kind – ask something of us, and it isn’t always easy.

So here are some of the key steps and practices I’ve found especially important in the (not always linear) process of discerning and deciding:

1. Imagine and Dream

Since decision-making is a process of narrowing and eliminating, it’s helpful to start big.

Imagination stirs up good energy, challenges our assumptions about what is true or possible for us, and opens up space.

The more we dream, envision, and connect with the frequency of our desires, the more compass points we have to guide our way forward.

2. Collect Data

This is especially important for those of us who prefer to dream in big, intuitive visions rather than deal with practical details and concrete realities.

I know I’ve had the tendency to avoid raw data when I’m facing a big decision because I want to hold on to my idealistic vision of what could be. The inconvenient details and bothersome realities force me to take my intuitive dreams back to earth.

But that’s where they have to go if I’m going to make anything with them.

So gather the data and information and stir it into the pot. Let it touch you and engage with what you find without necessarily jumping to immediate conclusions. Let it begin to speak to some of the questions: What’s available? What’s within the realm of possibility here? What are the boundaries and limits?

3. Filter Data and Set Parameters

What matters and what doesn’t? What factors are you centering vs. merely considering? And what data doesn’t really matter at all? Treating all factors and pieces of information as equally important in a decision-making process is mostly unhelpful and can quickly take us to the edge of overwhelm.

4. Be in Your Body

In my experience, good decisions are only ever made when I am grounded and centered in my body and listening to what it has to say.

Our body compass is our best discernment tool.

So in the process, ask and notice: what opens, expands, relaxes, and enlivens me? And what closes, tenses, or constricts me?

Remembering to climb back into our bodies also deepens our capacity to be with uncertainty and ambiguity. It can be easy to spin in the manic energy of I-have-to-figure-this-out, but in our bodies, we can just sit in this tension of not knowing, return to the awareness that we can bear the uncertainty, and be with ourselves through the process, no matter what happens.

5. Question the Scary Thoughts

Our decisions matter, but often, we give our decisions more power over our lives than they actually have and make all sorts of assumptions about how unequivocally wonderful our lives will be if we make the “right” decision and how horrifically bad they will be if we make the “wrong” decision.

When I was deciding something important recently, a turning point came when I realized: I have the ability to be happy no matter what I decide. I still have power and agency to create the life I want, whichever way I go.

Here are some questions for finding (and then challenging) your scary thoughts: What are you making it mean if you choose “wrongly”? Where have you set up strong either/or’s or absolute binaries in your thinking? Are you believing there’s one right (perfect, mythical) outcome? Are you asking for perfection?

Taking some time to identify and question these thoughts can release the pressure valve and open up space for flow and possibility.

6. Return to the Body

Before I make my final decision, I always check in to make sure it’s a “yes” in my body. This has never steered me wrong and has led to so much goodness I could never have predicted at the time.

So wherever you’re discerning and whatever you’re deciding, it really comes down to this: trust yourself and trust the processes you’ve entrusted to hold through the journey. The answers are inside.