Life has been reminding me recently that deepening my capacity to feel fear, discomfort, and uncertainty is a nonnegotiable part of living a big life.
Going after what I want, being real and vulnerable about who I am, stepping into newness, and seeking out unpredictable, raw experiences in the world often scares (and sometimes terrifies) me.
But more often than not, good stuff is waiting for me on the other side of that fear.
When I think of my first date with my spouse, getting on that plane to travel alone, starting my coaching business, or preparing for all of those high-stakes swim meets, job interviews, or exams, I can still feel the nervous butterflies and/or heavy pit of terror in my stomach, but I also remember that those feelings were all that stood between me and the beauty, goodness, and accomplishment waiting on the other side.
Deepening my capacity to feel fear helps me not run from life. And being with uncertainty and discomfort helps me stay in the moment I’m in (and not opt out by turning to escapism or avoidance).
And when I can do that, fear becomes an essential compass point – an indication I’m at the edge of my comfort and on the verge of the next new thing calling me forward.
Also: feeling fear and getting clear about what it’s communicating is a core component of discernment – because sometimes, fear is telling us it’s time to take our next step (or leap) towards a coherent desire, goal, or possibility, and sometimes, our fear is telling us we got off track and are on a path that is not right, safe, or good for us.
So how do we discern the difference? By getting clear on how each feels in our body.
I love the metaphor Martha Beck uses to talk about these two types of fear: does it feel more like you’re standing on a high dive about to jump into cool, clear water on a hot day, or more like you’re about to jump from the high dive into toxic sludge? Either way, the jump is high and frightening, but are you leaping toward something glorious, right, and clear, or not so much?
A helpful way to calibrate this compass is to return to times you felt fear. What did you feel in your body when the fear was leading you toward goodness, and what did you feel when the fear was warning you to stay away from something unhelpful or harmful? What do you notice about the differences between the two in how they show up as a feeling in your body?
Either way, fear is an important thing to feel and allow (unless we have traumas, addictions, or mental health issues that make it problematic for us to feel anxiety and fear, which is another conversation), because those feelings – as they show up in our bodies – are what give us the data we need to respond clearly and coherently to what life offers. And when we listen to our emotions and our bodies, we not only have more clarity for the path ahead, but also a deepened sense of inner knowing and self-trust.